I don’t belong here

In Cookie Hunting 5 March 20258 min read

Something is wrong with me. It’s almost like I’ve become the one I feared becoming. The one with communication disorder. I am not myself anymore. Or is this the real me? I’ve said it many times, I’m not from this planet. Wherever I was, whatever I did, however I tried to fit in: I don’t belong here.

Something changed

I don’t understand myself. Something has changed. Not lately, but since a couple of years already. I feel like a unguided missile. ‘Ongeleid projectiel’ we’d say in Dutch. I know I’m oversensitive. But lately my emotions get the better of me. Listening to particular music brings tears to my eyes. Even watching some emotional tv-show wets my eyes. Like I cannot control my emotions anymore.

Sometimes, no… actually most of the times I think I feel like a pregnant woman. Not the belly part. But the part where their hormones are all over the place. Who am I to think that I know how a pregnant woman feels? Well, I feel like a mess. Then I feel like the world. And then like a mess again. On and off. Hence, pregnant woman.

All the things happening to me here in Malaysia and Indonesia have a big impact on me. First of all because I’m trying to build something. To create a new job to become an independant traveller. Which Facebook kinda ruined on 15 February 2025. By blocking my page.

Second because I trusted people to do a long(er) term work-relationship with them. Only to find out that they completely denied recalling this agreement while I was already working for them for a week. Which I happend to find out by luck. All is sorted now tho. But in stead of three months i’ll be staying one month. I think that’s best for me now. I don’t belong here.

Communication disorder

I’ve always had difficulty with people who have communication disorders. In Dutch we’d say ‘communicatie gestoord’. It’s not that they can’t communicate. No. It’s those who simply don’t communicate because they miss social skills. I simply don’t like those people. Now I wonder, have I become one of them? Am I now what I feared becoming?

So why do I think i have become one of them? I’ve been pretty much by myself lately. With lately I mean since I went to Indonesia and came back to Malaysia. Usually i’d always hang out with new friends. Have a drink at the sunset, do karaoke, go to the club and dance whole night. Do you know what i’ve been doing this whole week?

My week

I’ve been alone. I’ve been to ZUS Coffee after work (I work till 15:00) and worked on my laptop. Not doing much work actually. After ZUS around 19:00 I went to the beach, alone. I’ve watched the sunsets until 20:00, alone. Then I dropped my bag at my hostel and went back to the beach, in the dark. I sat down and watched the stars. You know the worst part? I even had my AirPods in my ears with music on all the time.

Not just any music. No. I played Creep from Radiohead. On YouTube. Nonstop. If you know the lyrics, then you know what I mean. I’m a weirdo, I don’t belong here.

All YouTube versions

I’ve watched all versions, all covers of the song. There are actually real impressive ones. I watched the ones with lyrics. I sang along, in quiet. The one that struck me the most is the live version from Pinkpop. It’s called Best Live Performance. And that is so true. Look for yourself, and let me know what you think. It’s the one below:

I even just watched a video where some (famous?) YouTubers give their reaction to a live performance. Which is one of the best ever. Guess what happened?

Press pause

I couldn’t even watch it. I had to pause it every time. Because my eyes would fill up with tears. Which is weird when you’re at ZUS Coffee drinking Cham. Luckily everyone here is on their phones. They notice nothing. Lucky me. By the way, I usually don’t like watching videos where people watching (judging) videos). But to give you an idea, this is one of them below. I don’t know this girl. I never watched videos from her. But it’s touching me deeply to see how moved she is.

I shared this with a friend. Thru Instagram chat. I asked her to listen to this song. Especially this live performance. Do you know what her reaction was? She wrote: ‘It was like I heard you. I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. I don’t belong here’.

I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo.

What the hell am I doing here.

I don’t belong here.

Radiohead

So I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I control my emotions anymore. Is this what it’s like to be an emotional wreck? Can you imagine that noone ever noticed. I guess my surviving mechanism is good at hiding it.

Remember I posted my (bad) feelings on Insta not so long ago? Everyone, and I mean every-one replied to me that I’m always such a positive person. From the outside yes. From the inside a million emotions are running thru my head. So yes, I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here. I don’t belong here.

Probably what you not expected

I know this is not the typical kind of blog I usually write. I’ve started writing about this many times. But I never shared it. Until now. Ironically enough, I don’t even know to whom I’m sharing this with now. Since Facebook is off.

I’m still searching for the best way to share my things with you. Yes I know all of you are on Facebook. I understand you’re not on Instagram or YouTube. I received many suggestions to start a new Facebook page. But I don’t believe in Facebook anymore. I cannot even delete it completely. Because so many accounts I have use the Facebook-log-in option. So I have to change all my accounts.Yay.

I haven’t figured it out yet. I’m going through all options. Even the one to go offline completely. But like I said, I haven’t figured it out yet.

It’s heart warming to receive your messages that you miss my blogs. I miss being connected to you too. It may sound weird, but it feels like Facebook cut off you as my travel buddies.